Difficult Women: Cleopatra, part two
In which Mark Antony's thighs cost lives
Previously in Difficult Women: Cleopatra: Cleopatra survived a childhood of everyone murdering everyone, entered a situationship with Julius Caesar, had a baby, and was just getting started.
Given that Julius Caesar had been assassinated partly for wanting to begin a dynastic monarchy in Rome, it makes sense that the leaders there were reluctant to declare his nephew Octavian the new Emperor. Instead, they set up a Triumvirate of three leaders: Octavian, Caesar’s former right-hand man Mark Antony, and a third guy who mostly doesn’t matter or do anything, Lepidus. As you might imagine, these three men weren’t eager to share this power, and the in-fighting and power plays began almost immediately. By 42 BCE, Octavian was controlling most of the Western part of the Roman Empire, and Antony was controlling most of the Eastern part (Lepidus didn’t do anything but be the third point in the triumvirate’s triangle), and it seemed apparent that either Octavian or Antony was going to kill the other.
A note on Mark Antony: please note that Mark Antony was a piece of man candy of the first degree. In writings by people who knew him, he was described as gorgeous, with “mighty thighs” and a perfect face, curly hair, and a total dreamboat. All the stuff you think these Roman dudes would have written about Cleopatra re: gorgeousness, they wrote about Mark Antony. He was not just gorgeous, he was also one of the most successful and brilliant military generals ever, everyone adored him, he was a major heartthrob and hero to everyone in Rome*.
* This was an issue for Octavian, who worked hard to make everyone in Rome hate Antony. Octavian was a skinny and sickly teen with blond hair (Romans preferred dark hair) and nowhere near as many impressive military victories as Mark Antony. How could Octavian win everyone over to his side against this Roman Star Quarterback with the mighty thighs??? STAY TUNED.
So anyway, famous dreamboat Mark Antony needed some funding to help pay for these continued battles against sickly teen Octavian. He figured he’d ask for an assist from the wildly wealthy Egypt, who he remembered had helped out his pal Julius Caesar once or twice. He invited Cleopatra to come by and chat with him about this, and she was like, “No thanks, I am busy washing my hair, etc.” Several refused invitations later, she finally agreed to come and meet him and then the most Rihanna BDE situation you could ever possibly IMAGINE WENT DOWN. GET READY.
So, purple was the most expensive and rarest dye in this place and time because it was made from the slime of thousands of sea snails, which meant it took forever to make the dye, let alone to dye SAILS, let alone to dye ALL OF THE SAILS ON A SHIP. But guess who had a ship with all purple sails? Cleopatra. And her ship didn’t have regular oars; she was using silver oars that cut through the water like gigantic KNIVES glinting in the Mediterranean sunshine.
So imagine Antony, hanging out waiting for this meeting, to be met by this incredible display of wealth just cruising up next to him. When the ship got closer, he’d have seen Cleopatra making THE GREATEST ENTRANCE IN WORLD HISTORY. She was dressed up like the goddess Isis, covered in jewels, and surrounded by incense so you could SMELL the decadence. On top of that, she had little children dressed like CUPIDS running around her with little BOWS AND ARROWS to entirely paint the picture, which was: “My name is Cleopatra, and I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” And then??? Rather than pulling up her ship next to him to meet with him, Cleopatra’s BOAT OF LUXURY just kept on sailing past, leaving Mark Antony like, “WTF just happened and also? I think I’m in love.”
Because Cleopatra did not come when you invited her, she summoned you to her, and that’s just how it goes. Antony headed over to greet her on her ship, where she was like, “Sit, enjoy some wine and music and jewels and opulence for two days while we chat,” and he was like, “HEART EYES EMOJI” and two days later, a deal was struck where she’d help support him in his battle against Octavian, and he would worship and adore her for the rest of his life. And: can you blame him?
During this luxury yacht sex summit, Cleopatra got Antony to agree to have Arsinoe (who was still alive! In exile, back in Rome) put to death because that was a loose end, and Cleopatra didn’t like loose ends. Antony was like, “Anything you want, babe,” and arranged for Arsinoe to be murdered on the front steps of the temple where she’d been living. Now note, killing someone on the steps of a temple was not the usual Roman way, and in fact, this action upset many people quite a lot and is the first hint that Antony maybe wasn’t the best at winning over the Roman people to his side. But he was so good-looking he could get away with a lot. FOR NOW.
Now, while the whole Cleopatra and Julius Caesar relationship was sexual in the sense that she got pregnant with his child, those two never had the PALPABLE SEXUAL CHEMISTRY of Cleopatra and Mark Antony. She was ruthless, brilliant, and unstoppable, and he had mighty thighs and an insatiable appetite for LIFE. The two of them together made all the sense in the world. Also, she’d gone from marriage to her tweenage brother to an affair with a very intense but not very fun fifty-year-old man, and she deserved to have some fun with Rome’s Sexiest Man Alive*.
* He was not Rome’s Most Eligible Bachelor, as he was already married to a woman named Fulvia.
And once these two paired up, it was like, LOOK OUT, THE ANCIENT WORLD! Mark Antony had already been known for throwing the most amazing parties, and Cleopatra was known for being excellent at everything, and they were both young and having fun. They started a social organization called the Inimitable Livers, a party/drinking club, they spent days in bed together and were just doing The Most. Bear in mind that they were both still successful leaders, and Antony was happy to use his power as part of the Triumvirate to help Cleopatra by restoring some of her family’s former lands to her.
Think about how Cleopatra’s entire young life had been spent being constantly almost murdered by one of her siblings; after she made her first big power move, she wound up exiled from Egypt and only fought her way back with the help of Julius Caesar. She’d lived a paranoid, cautious, dangerous and stressful life, and FINALLY, now, as Queen on her terms, she could let loose and enjoy herself. This relationship brought out both wonderful things in each other (shared ambitions and goals) and, perhaps, some of their shared toxic qualities (overindulging in a way that Octavian could use against them easily). And it’s here that Cleopatra may have made the substantial error of underestimating Octavian, who was becoming more powerful and influential and still had it out for Antony.
In around 40 BCE, Cleopatra gave birth to boy-girl twins named Cleopatra (of course) and Alexander (after Antony’s ancestor, Alexander the Great). Unlike Caesar, Antony acknowledged both as his children even though, like Caesar, he was already married to someone else. But shortly after the twins’ birth, Antony’s wife Fulvia died (probably not poisoned because this is the sort of story where you have to note that sort of thing). This death brought out a brief period of detente between Antony and Octavian. In the whole “it’s the ancient world, so we solidify alliances with marriages” style, this peace was confirmed by Antony agreeing to take as his next wife Octavian’s sister, Octavia the Younger.
Meanwhile, Cleopatra was busy raising three small children and had to contend with a new rival, the Judean King Herod (the one from the Bible who demanded that all the babies be killed in case one of them was Jesus). Egypt and Judea were both kingdoms allied with Rome and geographically near each other. Cleopatra sided with Herod’s mother-in-law against him, and they made a sort of Girl Gang.
In around 37 BCE, Cleopatra went to visit Antony, which is when he met their three-year-old twins for the first time. He was like, “Look how cute they are! I love them!” because, unlike Caesar, Antony was happy about having children with Cleopatra and because the twins were probably super cute. Cleopatra probably dressed them in adorable costumes. One year later, Cleopatra gave birth to another child, a son named Ptolemy (because you know she had to include that name somewhere) Philadelphus. But just as her reproductive abilities were going strong, Mark Antony’s military prowess was starting to become less impressive, and his psychological state was becoming more paranoid. And, despite Cleopatra’s continued financial support, the Antony vs Octavian battles continued, complicated by the fact that Antony was married to Octavian’s sister, who he was constantly abandoning to hang out with Cleopatra. Even Lepidus (remember him? The third part of the Triumvirate?) got involved, rebelling against Octavian and winding up under house arrest. Nice try, Lepidus, but everyone knows you’re the least exciting part of this whole story.
It all came to a head when Cleopatra and Antony staged a huge festival-party called The Donations of Alexandria. They threw this event partly because they both had always loved parties, partly because Cleopatra was good at spectacles, and partly to try and convince everyone that Antony’s campaigns in Parthia and Armenia had gone amazingly well (the one in Parthia had not gone well, but the one in Armenia had, and he wanted to emphasize the latter). The party was planned to be similar to a Roman triumph. It included a bit where Antony’s prisoner of war, the Armenian leader Artavasdes, was walked in front of everyone in humiliation (as had been done with Arsinoe years before). The Armenian royal family was brought before Cleopatra and told to kneel. Still, they did not, and she freaked out, and that’s maybe a sign that things weren’t going as well as Cleopatra and Antony were pretending they were.
Anyway, for the grand finale, Antony dressed up in a costume blending the Roman god of wine, Dionysus, with the Egyptian god of the underworld, Osiris, and Cleopatra dressed as a mixture of the Roman god of love, Aphrodite and the Egyptian goddess of life and magic. Her son Caesarion was dressed up as the god Horus, the son of Isis. And then everyone in Cleopatra’s family got a new name and/or title:
Cleopatra was proclaimed Queen of Kings, Queen of Egypt (co-regent with Caesarion), as well as Queen of Cyprus, Libya, and central Syria
Alexander was given the middle name Helios (which means “the sun”) and named King of Armenia, Media, and Parthia
Cleopatra (not our heroine, her daughter) was given the middle name Selene (which means “the moon”) and named Queen of Cyrenaica and Libya
Ptolemy Philadelphus was named King of Syria and Cicilia
Caesarion was proclaimed King of Kings as well as the legitimate heir of Julius Caesar
It is also speculated that Cleopatra and Antony were officially married during this event. Indeed, they began acting like he wasn’t married to anyone else (although he wouldn’t divorce Octavia the Younger for a while yet). The whole thing was loud, in your face, over the top, and totally on brand for Cleopatra+Antony. But to the people of Rome, it was all tacky and tasteless. It made them all dislike Antony and Cleopatra even more because, this whole time, Octavian had latched onto the idea that he could win the PR battle by making himself seem pious and respectable versus Antony’s famously decadent lifestyle.
And if you’re wondering how a PR campaign was run in ancient Rome, before the invention of the printing press, the answer is hand-calligraphed flyers!! During this time of PR wars, many of the mean rumours and popular misconceptions about Cleopatra first came into existence. All the greatest hits started from this era: “She’s sexy and manipulating men with her beauty!” “She’s using witchcraft to bend Mark Antony to her will!” “She seduced Caesar and then Antony because she wants to destroy Rome!” “She’s too powerful and smart; it’s unnatural for a woman!” “Mark Antony does whatever she says, which is gross because women aren’t people and men should be in charge!!” etc.
(So the next time you’re around someone who says something like this about Cleopatra, you can be like, “Oh, how original, where’d you get that idea, one of Octavian’s flyers from the year 31 BCE?”)
Honestly, Cleopatra’s connection with Antony was fucking up her life a lot more than it was his. When they’d started their relationship, he was the Roman Heartthrob/Hero who seemed destined to become the next Emperor. But as time went on, his hard-drinking/partying lifestyle caught up with him, as did probably a lifetime of PTSD from his years of military service, and he seems to have started breaking down psychologically. Their whole deal was based on him being an outstanding military leader and her bankrolling him. Still, with him losing battles (and Octavian’s forces getting stronger all the time), he was starting to look like a poor investment on Cleopatra’s part. But bear in mind, she’d been running Egypt like a literal boss this whole time, too, with forward-thinking decisions about taxes and budgeting and doing her best to lead a country that was entirely dependent on whether the Nile flooded or not every year, which is a CHALLENGING JOB TO DO.
And THEN!! So, Octavian was re-elected as a consul, but Antony’s time ended, making him a regular Roman citizen. As such, the fact that he continued to battle against Octavian with Cleopatra’s funding became illegal. And so, in a genius but terrible act of using a loophole, Octavian had Rome declare war on Cleopatra for providing military support to a Roman citizen. So now the war was not Octavian vs Antony, but All Of Rome vs Antony, leaving Cleopatra in another awkward situation. But she, of course, was here to support her man, so off she went in her purple-sailed ship to help out.
This war was primarily waged at sea, where Cleopatra and Antony initially seemed to have the advantage as they had more ships. However, Octavian’s smaller fleet comprised professionally trained Roman soldiers better equipped to battle than their mercenary forces. It all came down to the Battle of Actium, which began on September 2, 31 BCE. The battle ended with many defections of Cleopatra and Antony’s troops to Octavian, with Cleopatra and Antony fleeing the scene. Cleopatra headed back to Egypt, where, again, her family’s history of oppression was likely part of the reason that the Egyptian people weren’t prepared to stand up for her and fight Octavian. They’d do their job and be her royal guards, etc., but don’t seem ready to lay down their lives and fight for her as they may have done for a non-Greek monarch.
Cleopatra, now trapped in Egypt and captured by Octavian, began to figure out a new scheme. Octavian seemed intent on keeping her alive so that he could parade her through the streets in a triumph as had been done to her sister Arsinoe years before. Cleopatra, proud as she was, was determined not to give him the satisfaction of humiliating her. She knew he was intent on looting her treasure for his coffers, so she told him she was prepared to light herself and all of her treasure on fire. This got his attention, and Octavian sent a representative out to negotiate with her.
These negotiations did not go well because Cleopatra and Octavian were equally stubborn and strong-willed, so Octavian decided to invade Egypt. Antony was taken prisoner as he attempted to protect her, and he died by suicide while in captivity. He was 53 years old. Octavian permitted Cleopatra to attend Antony’s funeral, where she participated in the mourning rituals of the time and place: screaming non-stop and beating and clawing at her skin. As a result of this, she wound up with septic wounds. She stopped eating, perhaps hoping to die in this manner rather than by execution or after having had to parade through town as a prisoner of war. Octavian would not let his prized prisoner get away so quickly, though, and she wound up recovering from these wounds.
Cleopatra died, aged 39, sometime that same month. Two of her loyal maidservants, Eiras and Charmion, died with her. Her manner of death was most likely poison, although the rumours of a poison snakebite are likely false. After all, Cleopatra had always been clever and organized, and she’d never leave something like this to chance. She had a small window of opportunity to kill herself; why risk it on a snake who may or may not bite her at the right time? Allegedly, the poison was smuggled in a basket of figs, which would also be a terrible way to sneak a venomous snake into someone. She likely ate poisoned food or applied a poisoned ointment, as did her maidservants.
Conspiracy corner: If you look at ancient Roman history and mythology, women dying by suicide is a weirdly common theme of women being quiet and not wanting to be a bother, which was how Romans wanted their women to behave, and which was certainly not how Cleopatra ever would have behaved. The news of her suicide came out from Octavian and was written about by other men who hated her and who were writing to please Octavian, so it’s possible that it was a cover-up story for something else. Perhaps Octavian killed her. Maybe she tried to rally supporters to stage a significant coup and escape prison, but it failed, and she died in the battle. In a story this wild, with a woman as prepared to do whatever it takes, anything is possible.
Whatever the manner of her death, Cleopatra almost certainly died on her terms, and Octavian was super frustrated, so if she had to go, at least her death was a final fuck you.
Cleopatra: Her Legacy
Cleopatra’s son Caesarion, renamed Ptolemy XV, reigned for just eighteen days before he was tricked into visiting Octavian, who murdered him. The Ptolemaic dynasty ended upon his death, and Egypt was absorbed as a province of the newly-created Roman Empire.
Cleopatra Selene married King Juba II of Numibia and Mauretania, with whom she had one daughter and one son. Her son, Ptolemy (what else would she have named him), was later murdered by his cousin, CALIGULA!! (A story for another day). Three hundred years later, Syria’s Queen Zenobia, who faced off against the Roman Empire in her badass story, claimed to be a descendant of Cleopatra Selene.
The fates of Alexander Helios and Ptolemy Philadelphus are unknown. However, they seem to have been sent to Rome to be raised by Antony’s widow, Octavia the Younger, following the death of their parents.
Octavian renamed himself Augustus and became the first official non-emergency Roman Emperor. He re-named the month of August after himself to celebrate his defeat of Cleopatra, which is just such a dickish move. I hate him, and now I hate the month of August out of loyalty to Cleopatra. This fucking guy. Ugh.
Much of the legend of Cleopatra developed based on the Roman writings from around the time of her downfall, which describe her as a witch/ slut/ seductress/ femme fatale who single-handedly destroyed Mark Antony’s life. These are the most widely known sources of information about her life. However, other sources focus more on different aspects of her political career and persona.
Some medieval Arabic writings seem to have been drawn from Greek histories that may present Cleopatra similarly to how she’d portrayed herself. These sources do not refer to her beauty (or lack thereof) or love affairs. Instead, she is depicted as a scholar known as “Cleopatra the Wise” or “The Virtuous Scholar,” a woman revered for her intelligence and inventiveness, with keen interests in philosophy, alchemy, mathematics, and medicine.
VULGAR HISTORY A LA CARTE is a feminist women’s history comedy newsletter. It is the companion publication to the Vulgar History podcast. Click here to hear the latest episode of the podcast.
Ann Foster is a a writer and podcaster. She’s currently writing a nonfiction biography of Caroline of Brunswick. Don’t know who that is? You will soon! She’s represented by Amy Bishop-Wycisk at Trellis Literary Management.
References
Cleopatra: A Life by Stacy Schiff
When Women Ruled the World: Six Queens of Egypt by Kara Cooney
Agrippina: The Most Extraordinary Woman of the Roman World by Emma Southon
6 things you (probably) didn’t know about Cleopatra (BBC History Extra)
Episode LX: Cleopatra (Emperors of Rome podcast)
Cleopatra: Ms. Understood (Stuff You Should Know podcast)
Cleopatra’s Little Sister vs. The World (Drunk History)
Cleopatra VII: Scholar, Patron, Queen (Ancient Research Center in Egypt)
The Virtuous Scholar: Cleopatra seduced through intellectual prowess not physical beauty, says new book (University College London)
Cleopatra: Scientist, Not Seductress? (Seeker.com)
I was more than chuckling out loud today, reading this. Thank you!
Excellent! Thank you very much